Why?

I was first noticed by a friend of a girl friend. He was then about 5 years younger and some 5 inches shorter. "oh,what the hell!" I thought. This never happens to me that often. So even though this was not what i had asked for, I took it I met him a couple of times with other friends and once went over to his place for an innocent lunch. He was horny. But what surprised me was he never made any moves. I must say I was so tempted to take the initiative.But, my weapon,the philosophy was still with me. It rendered me powerless. I decided to be decent and told him that I was not looking for a fling,which in fact was all I wanted. He backed off, for that day. Then on our fifth encounter, he kissed me on my Cheek! I guess my joy knew no bounds and I have no recollection of what I told him. I'm sure I said something stupid. Because this man took off. He then called me saying I was too 'Nice' for him and that he could not go through with this. I was hurt. Hurt beyond imagination. So I decided to gather the little honor that was left for me to gather, and stopped any kind of communication. He wanted to still be friends, I did not see the point.

After this came a 'blink'. A blink, because I saw this guy at a shopping mall, and went and gave him my phone number. He called. We met for a coffee. My god! He was the most boring man I had ever met. I suffered the fool thinking I would have some action. But nothing happened. The icing on the cake was he asked me about the girl I was seen with in the mall. This I must say is rejection in another form. I avoided him like the plague.

Then I remained stable and bored for a little while, when I met another sweet guy. he is exactly the kind one would want to take home and introduce to one's family. We were doing a course together, and it happened that we met every day. I did silly things like leaving him notes, and hiding his stuff and some other ones I won't mention. He had an idea that I liked him. We went out once. But that was it. Because I saw him one evening getting cozy with another classmate of ours. I took it as rejection. But in order to further humiliate myself, I wrote to him asking if there could be a tiny glimmer of hope. He said he saw me as a friend. Rejected!!

Then came this good looking, charming, and funny guy. We hit it off. He got me. I was more confident and certainly more comfortable around him. We talked, we met for a jog in the park, we went out to movies, we pub hopped, it was fun! This was the fun guy!! I knew it. This was my chance. I had to get rid of my weapon 'the dumb philosophy thing' and, along with that my virginity!!! So one evening after a beautiful dinner, we made love. I could not believe it. I had a man in my bed. A REAL HUMAN MAN! He was with me for a little more than year. Then came the time. the time to be rejected. He was going to marry a girl of his mother's choice. I did not want to be his wife. But I could do with some more fun. I did not have enough of the man. Believe me, I would have gotten tired of him and then let him go. But, I had to be rejected, once more.

After this man, I thought trying to build a relationship and then getting rejected is hard to take. So I thought 'no strings attached' was the way to go. I met one, no three of them that way. It was purely carnal. I did what made me happy and then when one of us had to let go, it was not disheartening at all. But somewhere deep down when the man said he was letting go, I took it as rejection. Well that is the end of my tryst with men I thought, because I did not meet anyone after that for quite a long time. It was not. I met one more and this rejection is and will be the hardest one for me.(to be continued)